“Would you be okay if God will not give you your desire to get married?” My confidant sincerely asked me this.

Honestly, I already came to that point where I was really okay with being single. I was contented with my life. I even told God it’s okay as long as I have You. That was before I joined an inner healing retreat in KL. It was then that I discovered that deep deep down, I still really have that desire but because of my logical nature, I just say it’s okay. So, the mentor told me that my words should be aligned with what’s in my heart. From then on, I kept saying “yeah I’ll get married next year.” whenever I’m asked even though I don’t really have anyone yet.  

My friends kept telling me “you should try dating app, you should do something.” “Galaw-galaw ka naman dyan”  I usually answer I’ll do that when I get to Australia, my promised land. 🙂

Fast forward, when I came here in Australia, I tried dating apps but I realized early on that I wouldn’t really be able to find the kind of man that I was looking for in that platform. Not to disregard those who do. It’s just not really for me.

It was here that my desire to get married really grew strong. Not only because I’m alone and see the importance of having your own family but also because of my growing age. I feel like I’m running out of time so I must do something I have never done before. I was really assertive of what I want but it didn’t turn out well to the point that I have to go to therapy. All because I was treating it as something that I need to achieve just like how I usually set my personal goals before. The difference is that relationships involve two people and it is beyond my control. I was operating from a standpoint of urgency instead of just letting things unfold itself just like how I used to.

Anyhow, I’ve learned my lesson from there and have surrendered it to the Lord.

Just like how Abraham surrendered to the Lord when God asked him to sacrifice his son, Isaac, I have surrendered my desires to be a wife and a mother at the Altar of Sacrifice. 

I still have that faith that God has called me for marriage and that He created me to be a helpmate to someone who is doing His call. BUT it is now under the Lordship of Christ, not my own timeline, not my own doing. I rest my heart unto Him.

“That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day.” – 2 Timothy 1:12

For sure, God will provide a lamb just like what happened to Abraham but not in the way I wanted it. Well in fact, He already did. Jesus, the sacrificial lamb.  

“For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.“ – 1 Peter 1:18-19 

Now, I understand why other people say letting go is an art. It’s holding your desires with open hands, believing that it could still happen but just not your own way. This truth is enough to quiet my soul.